Only a woman...

A significant volume of water has flowed under the proverbial bridge since I last managed to expunge some of my thoughts out of my system. Nevertheless, so much has transpired in the interim period that a significant portion of my own belief in the good and commonsense of people near and dear to me has also drowned in the waters mentioned above. The last couple of months have definitely left me rattled and what not – and tempting as it might be for my alter-self to pour it all out here – till I lose this valiant battle, I am going to refrain from doing so.

Nevertheless, as is an unspoken rule of life in general – a certain degree of balance is inevitable (irrespective of the domain we refer to). So without allowing for any tangents, here is what happened that recently caused me to revisit some old sentiments and – all in caused an inversion of the natural state of face of self (without trying to put too fine a point to it!)

A few weeks back – one of my rather dear colleagues stopped by my lavish office (a term, I admit is being used with very high degree of extrapolation). Now my desk is a fairly ordinary fare inhabited by an assortment of books, disks etc. Furthermore, being an individual who prioritizes the latent cleanliness over the cosmetic (read that as soul over body) and can back this belief with some (rather lead laden) points; I don’t really make any bones about its state upon being critiqued by mere mortals. Anyway, my friend/colleague visited me for some purpose that was probably pegged at two-thirds official and rising, when I had to depart for some reason that is clearly fogged right now.

Of course since she was already researching some online material, any sense of guilt that may arise of conventional civilities and what not – rapidly diminished, as I legged it out of there. Upon my return, I found one missing friend and a desk that had been reorganized. There were distinct signs of a massive cleanliness drive involving disposal of extraneous object, rearrangement of objects and all in all – restoration of a work desk to what it probably looks like (when inhabited by “regular/sane” individuals) on a given day. Needless to mention, I was left with a sufficiently large amounts of gratitude, but more importantly – what came to my mind was “only a woman…” However, I didn’t say anything. Nevertheless it did get me thinking about something very elemental that is so distinct about a girl/woman.

I have tried several avenues trying to pin this down and having accrued sufficient mileage on said avenues (also involving countless extraction from verbal graves I have managed to trip into along the way), I think I see it now and here it is….The very constitution of a woman speaks out sacrifice and before I disintegrate in the myriad world of clichés here is a qualifier to the same. At its very crux – there has to be something very different (apart from the gender and other trivial stuff) that is different between a man and a woman to have a desire to give. Think about it – a woman endures pain, gives the birth, and then eventually manages to live with the separation from her child that is almost inevitable. Be it a mother left behind some sliding doors, or a woman having to give up a child at birth. And it’s not just that ability to do it – it’s the willingness to do it for a greater good that is so marvelous.

Stepping back – my friend didn’t have ABSOLUTELY any need/obligation/requirement to clean up my desk. But she did it. Of course one possible (and rather tantalizingly inviting at that) reason would be that in order to actually work at that desk, she HAD to clean it….but that despite having a rather disturbing ring of truth to it – is preceded by what I have mentioned above. It’s that grass-root level ability to just do something that is so ordinary in a very extraordinary manner, with minimal fuss and even lesser expectations that is so delicious to behold.

I have had the benefit of having been surrounded by fantastic women so far in my life (and much as it may benefit my image, not to qualify this statement), I am STILL single. That said, some time back ( and this is what I was transported back to), I realized that it’s very easy to over-expect and consequently – express an opinion about women, but it’s not very easy to be a working lady and then come home every day and religiously put food on the table and I am guilty of this offense too. I realized my mistake the day I became aware of my own limitations (of course the list being rather long on that, is still being read to me by that invisible alter self).

I had to stop for a couple of days at this point while putting all this down – because I honestly felt that there was some thing that was not being to put down. Finally I am giving up. Why – there is something ethereal about a feeling that one can’t write about. It remains exclusive. It haunts, delights, tickles and mostly – keeps that smile within reach of all of us (which is definitely something I can use, when quite a few around me are beyond my ability to reach out to).

-A

March,28/2005